Colossians 3:17

live intentionally.

Monday, March 07, 2005

4:15 am

As most of you know, I am not a huge talker. Sure, I have my moments where I can ramble on and on uninterrupted for 30 minutes straight...but those moments are few and far between. Molly likes to call me mysterious, like I'm holding some deep dark secret about me, or pondering some great truth. I think it would be more accurate to say that I don't have a lot of important stuff to say, and so I'd rather not fight for the chance to get my voice heard and so I allow other people their time to talk. I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself out of fear of being ridiculed for the silly things I would say...or not even fear, mostly just laziness I think. Now I seem to have lots the train of thought of this blog. I attribute it to the fact that it is now 4:42 in the morning. I worked last night till 11:00 and I have to be back at work in an hour. In my tiredness I seem to have set my alarm to the wrong time and now I sit here trying to use up a few of my free minutes of the day. I don't think I slept at all last night. I was on the internet till 1:00, then all those thoughts that I keep to myself tend to all lay there in a cluttered mess as soon as my head hits the pillow and I find myself thinking of all the things I shouldn't have said that day. Oh! maybe thats where I was going with this blog. Yes! thats it! Last night I believe I said two things that I now regret. One of those things was... I told my boss that if I was his "ladyfriend" [his live-in girlfriend who he's been with for 8 years] I would not have stuck around for so long. Did those words actually come out of my mouth!!! I'm ashamed of it. What an awful thing to say! We had got into this whole discussion of marriage and attraction and before I knew it the words were out of my mouth "so, why don't you marry the girl?" It was one of those moments where you wish words were like a fishing line and you could just reel them back in. No such luck. He was very nice about it all, giving good reasons...fear of committment, not wanting to tie himself legally to someone with so much debt, etc. etc. But as I laid in bed last night trying desperately to fall asleep for the remaining 4 hours of my night I just westled with the shame of the situation. I was such a jerk! Why do I say such things. For someone who doesn't talk very much, I sure find myself wishing I had talked even less. Maybe I will just go become a monk and submit myself to one of those monestaries where your only allowed to say 10 words a day. I'd have to make them worthwhile then. Something tells me I'd lay on my stone slab regretting even those words. I just can't win. But, I can apoligize for my insensitivity to the situation. Good thing I work with him again this morning.

5 Comments:

  • At 8:57 AM, Blogger mallymcnally said…

    I don't think you're mysterious to me, katy, but your silence is mysterious to others, I think.
    I also think you are beating yourself up a bit too much over your comment to Mr. McHooverton. He puts his foot in his mouth constantly, I'll bet he understands when it happens to others. You are a sweet person who would never intend to hurt someone, and I'll bet he knows that too.

     
  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger darkhorse said…

    Hey,
    Quiet types such as yourself really do make waves when you do speak up. Sure the comment mayb have come out blunt but I think it may have caught Mr.McHooverton(?) off guard and made him think about it? Don't stress to much about it your a good sort of person who really means well and I'm sure he knows that. If not I'll slap him silly.
    Congratulations on the visa. I'm incredibly excited for you and praying that you have amazing adventures aboard. I admire you.
    Dee

     
  • At 10:54 PM, Blogger Spicer said…

    Maybe I misread the sentence? Or maybe, I am really insensitive. I don't think you said anything bad. I would say it was something he needed to hear. You thinking about it all night shows the kind of geniune heart and how much you hate to hurt people. You're a good one. It helps balance out all us insensitive types.

     
  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger Spicer said…

    Oh no, the notorious double post. I have a question that has nothing to do with your blog but rather, a comment you left with mine. You said you found the blog on my 1 weeker to be funny but then you apologized? You do realize it's intent was to make you laugh? Right?

     
  • At 11:56 PM, Blogger jenwalters22 said…

    hey- u know i say things like that all the time,, im honest and lately find myself less tolorant of bull sh&% situations and feel the need to speak up. so i understand why u would say that kinda thing. people need to hear it. dont feel bad. and also, where do u work!? u work till 11 then again in the morning? sounds like my gay job at a coffee shop!and yes, my best words come at 4-5am also :)

     

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