4:15 am

As most of you know, I am not a huge talker. Sure, I have my moments where I can ramble on and on uninterrupted for 30 minutes straight...but those moments are few and far between. Molly likes to call me mysterious, like I'm holding some deep dark secret about me, or pondering some great truth. I think it would be more accurate to say that I don't have a lot of important stuff to say, and so I'd rather not fight for the chance to get my voice heard and so I allow other people their time to talk. I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself out of fear of being ridiculed for the silly things I would say...or not even fear, mostly just laziness I think. Now I seem to have lots the train of thought of this blog. I attribute it to the fact that it is now 4:42 in the morning. I worked last night till 11:00 and I have to be back at work in an hour. In my tiredness I seem to have set my alarm to the wrong time and now I sit here trying to use up a few of my free minutes of the day. I don't think I slept at all last night. I was on the internet till 1:00, then all those thoughts that I keep to myself tend to all lay there in a cluttered mess as soon as my head hits the pillow and I find myself thinking of all the things I shouldn't have said that day. Oh! maybe thats where I was going with this blog. Yes! thats it! Last night I believe I said two things that I now regret. One of those things was... I told my boss that if I was his "ladyfriend" [his live-in girlfriend who he's been with for 8 years] I would not have stuck around for so long. Did those words actually come out of my mouth!!! I'm ashamed of it. What an awful thing to say! We had got into this whole discussion of marriage and attraction and before I knew it the words were out of my mouth "so, why don't you marry the girl?" It was one of those moments where you wish words were like a fishing line and you could just reel them back in. No such luck. He was very nice about it all, giving good reasons...fear of committment, not wanting to tie himself legally to someone with so much debt, etc. etc. But as I laid in bed last night trying desperately to fall asleep for the remaining 4 hours of my night I just westled with the shame of the situation. I was such a jerk! Why do I say such things. For someone who doesn't talk very much, I sure find myself wishing I had talked even less. Maybe I will just go become a monk and submit myself to one of those monestaries where your only allowed to say 10 words a day. I'd have to make them worthwhile then. Something tells me I'd lay on my stone slab regretting even those words. I just can't win. But, I can apoligize for my insensitivity to the situation. Good thing I work with him again this morning.