Dreams

What makes a dream?

Or, more importantly - what makes a dream a reality?

How do we decide which dream to follow and which one to leave as a dream?

Dreams are so much a part of my life. They are what drive me to do different things, go different places. My dreams are what make me who I am. They are what sets me apart from my generation.

Sometimes I can't help but think of them as a curse. If it weren't for them I would have a normal life. When I measure my life against normalcy I feel like a failure. I see the normal things in life that I want to accomplish but haven't [my degree]. I see where my life is now, and the jobs I have had and I get discouraged.

So much of the time I feel like my struggle is between ministry and money. The jobs I want - don't pay; thus leaving me at square one. The jobs I don't want - do pay; thus helping me to make my dreams realities.

And now, I have just realized how totally vague this post is. But, I will post it anyways. Its the ramblings within my head without the details behind it all. Enjoy.

jolted by the sound of tires screeching

This past weekend, although, Rukie and I protested a great deal we found ourselves at a Youth Retreat.

The anti-socialist in me (that only comes out on occasion) was alive and well this weekend. Having been working at school for the past two months where everything is scheduled and organized I was wanting a break from an environment where I would be forced to talk to people. However, thats usually when I need to get out and engage with people most. God spoke, my heart listened, I was convicted.

Gosh, I hate conviction.

In the end (as always) God knew what I needed more than I did. I needed a time to get focused. I needed times of prayer. I needed good discussion on my walk with Christ (till 4:00AM!!).

On the trip back I thought I was going to meet my Maker. Serriously. Its only by God stopping our car that we were spared from going over a huge cliff. I was somewhere in that place between asleep and awake when I was jolted back to reality by the sound of tires screeching. My heart started to race immediately when I realized that the sound was coming from our car. We were going around a tight curve when the car decided it didn't want to turn....it wanted to go straight over the cliff. We managed to miss a van full of people on our travels across traffic, and I found myself praying that the car coming toward us would hit us in hopes that it would stop us from going over the edge. All this of course happening in the course of 2 seconds...isn't it crazy all the thinking that goes on in our minds during that time?! In the end...God protected. If anyone else had been driving I'm sure we would have gone over. God gave our driver the peace and wisdom to know what to do in that situation (pull the E-brake). And, its after moments like those that you re-evaluate where you life is going, and what it would have been like for family and friends to hear the news of you death. I felt ashamed of things I had written in my journal, and hoped that people would have had the decency not to read it, or at least to realize anything I have written is written in the 'heat of the moment'. That those thoughts/prayers are the extreme emotions at the time, and not how I may still feel. Feeling fade.

All in all, it was a good weekend. I'm thankful I went, and that God works inspite and in the midst of my attitude. I pray blessings on all who had a hand in planning, speaking, sharing, and organizing for this weekend. I hope that lives were changed because of it. I know mine was.